I haven’t posted…well since my birthday really. A lot of things have been going on. Some good, some mostly bad. Luckily though, things are getting better.
This feeling and thought of why I’m blogging comes in waves. When I first came to Japan in 2014, I was full throttle ready to blog about everything that inspired me, but of course I had no idea what the heck I was doing. I then lost inspiration and left my old blog to collect dust for a few months and then later picked it back up. If you’ve been following me for a long time now, you’ll know I left that blog at the beginning of 2017 to start my dream of becoming a “legit” blogger and possibly even making some sort of income in the future. I worked for months putting together this blog you see today. I felt anxious and frustrated about the lack of content, or the fact that maybe I was posting too much. I was overthinking everything and putting so much stress on myself.
I realized I had no direction and my true reasons for doing all of this was most likely for attention. Kinda shitty right? I know the main reason I started blogging was to keep my family and friends aware and updated of my life abroad and that was it really.
It seems like now it’s transformed into…well I don’t know. I’ve changed since moving here. So of course, my content has changed. I care a lot more about ethical fashion and clothing. I care about safe and cruelty free makeup, but yet I’m kinda hypocritical when it comes around to it because I still shop and buy things that aren’t exactly ethical. I feel like a giant hypocrite when I talk or post about how excited I am about certain products and brands but then promote others from shit factories (cough H&M cough Uniqlo). I’m just confused about my own beliefs when it comes to ethical fashion and safe skincare. And of course, its not even just all of that….there’s so much more.
I also think it’s stupid to just write for the sake of views and popularity. But the problem is, I like it. I like the attention. But I don’t know if it’s…healthy or not.
All in all, I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do with this blog anymore. Maybe I’ll just post when I’m inspired and about anything I want. I paid to host this blog for a year, and unless something changes, after the year mark, I’ll be returning to my original blog once again. Like a dog returning to his dog house wth his tail between his legs. It’s embarrassing. I feel like a failure. But, failures are part of life. And I need to learn from them. Maybe blogging just really isn’t my cup of tea.
About Social Media:
As for social media, Instagram specifically, I have no idea what I’m doing. I got all excited when making this blog that I stupidly just made my personal Instagram account into my blog account, I figured like…it would be good to show my friends in real life what I’m doing with blogging. Obviously I should have just made a brand new account for my blog. Dumbass!
Literally, I’ve made so many blogging and social media mistakes…it’s just hard to face it lot of the times. So, my Instagram for my blog will most likely be deleted in the very near future because well, there are a lot of personal photos on there from ages ago and I don’t want them to be public anymore. Most of them are just pictures of food, but there are also some painful reminders of people in the past I want to forget, so I think in the next few days I’ll be deleting my dreaminginjapann Instagram account and creating a fresh one (probably with the same screen name)….or not. I can’t decide lol.
As for my new personal Instagram account, wow! I feel really liberated because I started fresh. I am only following people I care about and they are only following me if they want to. It’s much better this way and I’m happy with it. So my personal ennuiae account will stay the same and I’ll keep posting whatever the heck I want!
As for my youtube account??? Fuck, I have no idea.
And for some awesome news: I finally just threw in the towel and created an art Instagram account. The screen name “monsterkawaiii” has been something I’ve been thinking about for a long time so I’m glad it wasn’t taken. And who knows, maybe when I get better, I can showcase my art on my very own website that I can actually afford to keep going for longer than a year! To check out my most recent works find my Instagram here: monsterkawaiii
It’s like…my creative floodgates have finally opened. I picked up a stylus one day and downloaded a drawing app on my IPad and ever since I’ve been doodling and drawing daily. I love and and I’m so happy. I’ve always wanted to do digital art…so to finally figure out how to get started has been groundbreaking for me. And it’s been really helping me with some of the depression I’ve been facing this past month and a half.
About Me, Personally:
I started to lose inspiration in everything in early April. I didn’t want to blog, I didn’t want to take pictures, I just stopped caring. And this is when all of my thoughts about what social media meant to me arose. I thought really hard about what exactly it was that I wanted…and I realized it was attention. The instant gratification of a “like” on whatever app I was using. It really bothered me and it still does. The whole idea that I need to show people only the best aspects of me…it’s like a bullshit window into my life. I decided to distance myself from social media, and focus on my health.
For a long while I was feeling down because I had gained a full 5 kg (around 11 pounds) from September 2016 to April 2017. It was staggering. None of my clothes were fitting…I was throwing things away out of frustration. Then when winter came, I ate even more and hid in my baggy clothes and ignored my self esteem issues and anxiety about my body. Finally in April when I distanced myself from social media, I had more headspace to focus on my health but that was all I could focus on at the time. I started tracking daily with MyFitnessPal and signed up for Weight Watchers (as mentioned in my last Resolution Check In). I lost weight easily from mid April to May…a full 4.5 pounds to be exact. And then by the beginning of June I was down 8 pounds! Plus, I was closing in on my ten pound loss mark which would have been a huge feat!
But then…in mid June, in the midst of working my ass off to reach my ten pound loss mark something really horrible happened (which I don’t really feel comfortable talking about publicly). I felt like…my world was falling apart and everything was crumbling down around me. I stopped really paying attention to weight loss. I had days where I was eating nothing, and days where I was eating so much that I was aching in pain before going to sleep. I took out a lot of my frustration by tearing and scratching at my skin, binge watching Star Trek, posting really sad statuses on my social media accounts, and isolating myself. It was not a good period of my life….
Finally things have started to resolve, but I don’t feel the same anymore. I feel like this whole ordeal has changed me, and it will take me a long time to get back to where I was mentally. I just figured maybe by saying all of this, things may make more sense as to why I haven’t been around lately. Or, it may raise a lot more questions. I’d appreciate you to leave your assumptions to yourself but I thank all of those who reached out to me and helped me when I was in need.
I feel like it’ll take some time to feel good again. But I’m taking it day by day. And you bet I’m counting down the days for my trip back to the states.
Thanks for reading!